December Frenzy

I thought I had something more to say. Well maybe not. I have been listening to Christmas music all month long. I am sitting in my family room watching the lights on the Christmas tree more than the television and I can't believe Christmas is almost here.

Of course the news on Friday has changed everyone's perspective. The loss of 20 children and the 6 adults in the elementary school is ever present. I haven't allowed news coverage of the event in my house. Internet articles are enough to bring me to tears. Pres Obama's words are enough to get me all over again. Having worked in an elementary school for so long puts more weight in the anguish. I know how I would have acted. I haven't allowed the media onslaught in my home because the media fills us with too much information. Too many details so we feel as if we were in the school that day and we go right along trying to find answers and get the answers and far more information that has not been just devasting to all those people in Connecticut but to those of us who aren't there. I don't want my children to be afraid to go to school and they don't need to feel as if they survived a school shooting either. But I will have conversations with them. I will make sure my children know I love them. My heart aches for 20 families of little ones. and the six adults that sacrificed their lives for all the children and for the suspect's family who have to be equally devastated beyond words.

I don't mean to make light of what has taken place as I continue on:
With that out of system, we have been doing the December events in full force. So many concerts and another opportunity to hang lights for the Christmas party at the church. I said earlier today-They ask me because I have the lights and I know how to hang them.  Har Har...

In writing-- I keep working on it. I am editing and am writing a few other scenes to add and cutting out what isn't important. This is going to take a long time and is quite the brutal process and fills me with doubt about my abilities even though I know this is totally a part of the process.

I hope to have pictures to post next blog. I have a bad habit right now of staying up far too late with my writing endeavors. :( 

Winner!!

So here it is! This is a picture of my fancy new winner t-shirt! Not on me of course, for this pic. By the way, I have come to realize that the dislike of personal pictures is genetic.My mom, aunt, and cousin are all the same way. But if your lucky, you might actually see it on me in person.

Yes, I won NaNoWriMo with tons of time to spare. I was supposed to write 50,000 before the end of the month. I did that by the 15th. I wrote over 66,000 just before midnight on the last day of November.

Usually you work on something fresh but I went NaNo rebel and worked on something I have been writing for over a year. But my November word count was all fresh writing.

Don't judge me right now if I really mess up my choice of words or screw up my punctuation. I am editing and when I am not in novel mode, everything I know or thought I knew turns to mush.

I will tell you I didn't ever pay attention to word count before but I have discovered that I write a lot and quite easliy. Not that it is anything I would want to throw out there for anyone to read at first, but I have loads to say. So much so that as I pondered my "novel" and have looked at word counts on what is considered publishable for a first time writer (that is my goal) I have discovered that I didn't finish one novel. If I was George R R Martin, then I did finish one novel. But I am not.

I tend to write scenes and I have jumped around so much that I didn't know what size of book I was writing. I had to make some decisions. So when I looked at my story and put the pieces all together last night staying up until 3am, I found I have 2 complete novels in the 120,000 word count range. AND I have a quarter of a 3rd novel. This looks like it will span 4-5 books. What did I do? I hope I did something that will sell someday. But that is SCARY for me because I have just admitted to the world that I am doing this. So letting anyone read what I write is wildly nerve wracking.
What has happened through all this is my writing has changed and it has been for the better. But what that means is all that stuff I wrote over the past year now looks like crap that will need a lot of work. Even though I am feeling really great about what I am writing now, it doesn't last long because by the end of the day I think it's crap again. The best way to tell you how I have been these past few days since November ended is-- you know that scene from Tangled where Rapunzel has just left the tower and is exhilarated and hysterical crying over and over? That is me. Yep. That sums it up pretty well. 

The story has dragons in it. It is a very corny cliche way I came up with this idea. I had a weird dream that a castle was attacked by something and this black winged human was trying to lift me up and take me somewhere in the trees. I woke up that morning and wondered how I could make it into a story because it was so vivid. That black winged human is Raven in my story and the main character is Robin. Kelsea was my inspiration for her. But in this crazy weird epic fantasy I am writing, Robin has a dragon for a father and her mother is a dragon healer.  Way too complicated of a story line to give you the whole gist of it. So since I feel like sharing, here is scene in the middle of my first novel.
This has been one of my most favorite scenes to come out of NaNoWriMo.

Robin wants to learn how to use a sword. Robin is sixteen and Geoff is close to her size. This is her first day of training:
 
“Why do you want to do this?” Geoff asked her.

Robin was not sure how to answer him. Was it because she was bored and it looked like fun? It was a little of that. But that was not all there was to it. What she had told the Commander earlier was true.

“I want to protect myself. Someone won’t always be there to help save me. My mother was taken away while I could do nothing but watch. I don’t want to see that happen again and I don’t want to be that vulnerable when my father starts this war.”

“That is a very honest answer. I can understand that. I will tell you something while we are here alone but when we go out there things will be different. None of them want you there. But they never wanted me here either. You need to work harder than any of them will ever have to work, to prove yourself. They will be mean, I will be mean too. But you have to take it, get back up and prove that you really belong. Don’t play princess with any of us. You will earn no respect for being something special. I had to earn my place. That is what you have to do. It won’t be easy and it will hurt. But don’t be a girl and cry about it.” Geoff looked her in the eye. “Remember, when we go back out there, I am not going to be a nice guy. Whatever you do, don’t cry.” He picked up a helmet and put it on her head. Then he handed her padded gloves.
 
“You better put your hair up in that helmet, someone might try to cut if off. It won’t be me, but you never know how far they will go. You still want to go through with this?”

Robin’s chest tightened and she wasn’t sure anymore but her head nodded. She had no idea how she agreed with him but as she crossed the field she tried to suppress the terror and replace it with feeling numb. All eyes watched as she approached, she wanted to walk straight to the lair instead. But her feet took her to the field. As soon as Robin and Geoff were at the end of the line of men training with swords, Geoff took hold of her shoulders to turn her body to face his.

“Just block me.” That was Robin’s only warning as Geoff made his first overhead strike. Instinctively Robin blocked his sword, surprised by his strength, she nearly fell back. Remembering what the Commander had done to the trainee who had locked his knees, she bent hers and was able to hold his sword up with her own until he released that hold and he went right into an up-swing. She jumped back instead of blocking his sword. He lunged forward and elbowed her square in the chest. He knocked the wind out of her as she fell back on the ground. Robin clutched at her chest as she gasped for air.

“You left yourself unprotected. Never do that because next time it could be a sword.” He held his hand out to help her up. She struggled to breath. The stern look he gave her reminded her of what he had told her in the armory. She took his hand, she was upright again but she hurt like mad.
 
The men next to her watched her reaction. It had brought tears to her eyes but she sniffed, pressed her lips together as she held her sword with both hands to ready herself for the next blow. If anything, his painful reminder made sure she would never forget to protect herself.

Then Geoff was relentless with swing after swing, he hammered Robin. He was not easy on her at all. Her ears rang with every clash of their swords as her arms started to shake with every block she made. He elbowed her any time she let guard down. Robin found herself on the ground more times than she could count.

Then when Robin blocked one of his down-swings, he kicked her in the gut once she blocked him. On the ground again, she moaned as she rolled over onto her knees. Folded over with grass in her face as Robin held her stomach with one hand, still holding the sword with her other, she didn’t think she could go on. Robin wondered where the Commander had been and if Geoff was even being fair at all. She stayed scrunched over as she struggled to keep tears from falling. The fact that she was nearly crying and she was trying her best not to, made her furious. Unable to get up, still folded over on the ground, Robin successfully fought back the tears, bottled up her anger as her mind raced to what she needed to do next. Robin couldn’t deny that Geoff had bested her all day long and she knew she was done but she did not want to go out beaten. A Dragon shadow passed over her as she pushed herself up to her knees. That convinced her to try one more time. Geoff and the men around her were taunting her but she couldn’t hear a word they said. She had tuned them out long ago. Robin needed to let him know she was done, her way.

“Geoff, what have you done to her?” Captain Liam asked as he stood over Robin. She held her hand up for him to stop as she struggled to stand on her feet then staggered towards Geoff as she prepared herself for another go.
 
She took her time to get ready.

“Robin, I think you are done for the day,” Liam said.

“No,” Robin said, barely able to speak while she settled her feet into the ground with her insides in a painful knot. She waited. She knew what Geoff would do next. A side-swing was what she needed. He did just what she thought he would do. A swing to her right side, the clang as their swords clashed made her ear ring, as she blocked him effectively then because she had placed her feet readily, as she pushed his sword away she side-swept his leg with one of hers. Catching him off guard, he fell hard on his back.

“Now I am done. I will be back tomorrow.” Robin took her helmet off, bit the finger of one of her gloves to remove it from her hand so she could offer it to Geoff.
 
Geoff rolled over on his hands and knees not wanting her help. As Robin walked past him to the lair, he glanced up at her and she thought she saw the slightest hint of a smile on his face. Even if she only imagined the subdued smile on his face, she felt taller than she ever had, proud of herself as she strode painfully, with every muscle in her body screaming and complaining, to the lair. In spite of every wickedly painful step she took, what she was able to do to Geoff in the end, was all worth it. Above Robin, her father glided over her, with a smile of triumph on her face, she watched as he landed in the lair. She couldn’t wait to tell him about her day.

NaNoWriMo

So we are about half way through November. I should be writing my NaNo stuff and not here but the kids won't stop talking to me so I am killing some time until they for to bed. I haven't written anything yet today. But at this moment I am doing fantastically well. I am at 37,000 words. I need to have 50,000 by the end of the month. I have come to a conclusion. I will not be done with this novel. I may not even be half way done and the other conclusions I have made: this has now become an epic fantasy and will have to arc its way through 3 books before it is finished. hmm...

Things I have discovered or rediscovered: I REALLY like to write this way. I REALLY like to write. I think I stink at it when I write "smile" too much. I have to be careful when I am driving because I am so lost in my thoughts, I forget where I am going. I get irritated when I can't get to my story. Which means this blog post will be short. Maybe later I will post something or if you want to see what I have going on and check my progress because I guess I am padding my ego a little right now- which I typically don't have an ego but I look like I have one throwing this out there- You can go to NaNoWriMo.org. Search for Layzoo in the toolbar and click on profiles. You will find mine. You can click on the summary of my novel and I included an excerpt. You won't see my novel though. It is in my computer still. You can't really post much there but you could always come back here and let me know you saw it. You can tell me it is ridiculous if you want but I hope you won't feel that way.
I am going to go write more of this epic thing I have gotten myself into. I have to catch up to one of my "buddies" Paul. He is already at 42,000 words and I am 4000 behind him now.

Neglected :(

I have been so good a blogging for some time now and unfortunately it has waned considerably. I have noticed it is falling trend in general but there is some change in the air and I need to evaluate how this will pan out here in the blogging universe.
They probably changed this window I am blogging in a while ago and I am just now noticing.

So here is what is happening. I am writing but not so much here of course. If you never knew my deep dark secret in life, it is that I desperately want to be considered a writer and do that full-time. But I am full of excuses and great at distracting myself when I do have time. But I am still writing. I am writing a novel at the moment and this is actually my second. My first novel I don't consider completed even though I did get to where it was suppose to end and decided to go on. Then I felt like I was trudging through mud with it and had to stop. But I also was inspired to write what I am writing now. I was really excited about it and needed a break from the other one. That one was pretty dark in some ways and the ending was not what I wanted to write. So it has been resting for maybe 2 years now. That one is considered contemporary young adult.

The one I am working on now is fantasy and unlike anything I thought I would ever write about. It is a long story and so big I don't know if it really will be worth it in the end except I am really enjoying the process.

Then I really stepped out of my comfort zone and joined a writing forum. I put my stuff out there for critique. And was disappointed in what I discovered at first. Then I processed the feedback and worked it into my old lady brain (that is what it feels like now) and tried even harder. I have some lack in my grammar skills and need to tell less and show more. But it is coming. All the little tips have strengthened what I am doing and I can totally see the difference. Then I look back at my first novel and I said "oh, gross." There is a lot of work there but that is a part of the process as well.

So what is in store for me now: I am about to start NaNoWriMo. It stands for National Novel Writing Month and it usually takes place in November. I would say it is nationwide but there are people I have buddied on there from England. So I am excited. You are suppose to write a novel from the start and write 50,000 words by the end of the month. I will be considered a NaNo rebel because I am going to work on something I have already started. I wasn't sure I could do 50,000 words in a month but what I have been writing off and on the past few weeks, paying attention to word count, I am not so worried anymore.

So that is what I will be up to. I want to start building more of a writing presence on the internet possibly here on this blog or I will start a new one just for writing. I actually submitted a personal essay to a publication. I haven't heard back yet but it is start no matter what the response is.

So outside of this endeavor, life still is trying to run me over like always. Kylee in Marching band-ends this weekend. Autumn was in volleyball and tries out for basketball tomorrow. Hannah is playing 5th grade basketball, choir, honor choir already started and yes, this is the age the busy really starts. Cars keep breaking down, but Lee Joe is home!
Hopefully I can find my sense of humor again and try to find the humor in my family's escapades.

Dishwasher update-still using the commercial stuff. Did more research when things were still coming out cloudy and I think the key now is using stuff with citric acid in it. I use the commercial stuff with some lemon shine and dab of dishsoap and I am really quite happy with the results.

Hopefully soon I can share some of what I am writing, but the fact that I shared that I am writing in the first place, is huge.

Dishwashers

I was trying to figure out not long ago why my dishwasher detergent was doing a ridiculously poor job at cleaning the dishes.  Then it started building up with hard water pasty scum.  Then my glasses were covered in white film and my plastic spatulas are also covered in some sort of white yuck that breaks down the plastic.  I had a dishwasher repair guy come out years ago when my dishwasher was still fairly new.  He told me to use powdered detergent and make sure I always use jet dry. 

It did help the problems at the time for a little while.  I have since had to clean my dishwasher out every year or year and a half.  Then I through a bunch of vinegar in the bottom of the dishwasher sometimes to break down the build up.

Well a few weeks ago I was fed up.  I had heard that the reason dishwasher detergents aren't working like they use to is because they banned phosphates from dishwasher detergents. I was looking at home made versions on pinterest.  Well, I didn't try it.  What the blog told me was that commercial detergents still have phosphates in them. Sometimes I am not all that environmental.  For right now I want my dishes to come out cleaner than I put them in.  So I bought some commercial dishwasher detergent at the restaurant supply store.  It is working better.  :)  But I have many more dishes to do before I am sold on it yet.  I am waiting to see what it does after some time has passed.

But I am not all that bad.  I have decided to do away with most toxic cleaners.  I love using a steamer and my new favorite cleanser is Borax. Borax cleaned my shower better than any super cleaner I have ever used. It also got rid of hairspray buildup on my bathroom counter.  Bleach cleaners couldn't do that. I usually have several gallons of vinegar around and I use it in my washing machine along with the borax and I clean my floors with it. So I am not all rogue on the stuff I use.  If those things had worked, I would be using them in my dishwasher.  I am still on the search for something better though.

Oh and the kids started school.  More on that later but this week has about killed me already which means I should get off the computer and go to bed.  Another long busy day tomorrow.

Guinea pigs and mites

I love this picture of our guinea pigs from last summer.  That is Chocolate milk, Twix and Speckle is the black one.  I am sure the post will not be something my regular readers (if there are any left) will be interested in but maybe someone Googled guinea pigs and mites and they found this blog and if so this is for you!

So our little guys got mites a few months ago.  I didn't know that was what they had because these are our first experience with guinea pigs.  They are all a year old now.  What they had was a scaley back.  Like they had some scabby dandruff.  No bugs present.  They were scratching much more than usual and were miserable.  Chocolate Milk was the worst.  Twix was mildly bothered.  Speckle was fine.  In fact Twix and Chocolate Milk did not want to be handled and Chocolate Milk looked like he had a seizure when we did try to brush his back.  So when I Googled mites, they had the symptoms.  Mites are a bug that burrow under their skin.  Now the only way that I read about how to treat them was go to the vet and get a certain medication. There is nothing over the counter you can use for it.  This past year our pups have cost us a fortune.  They had Parvo, we got them fixed, Dobby got sick after a run down the road, he got x-rays, Yoda has a bum leg.  The pups are killing me here.  But I was not going to let the 3 little pigs suffer.  I did read you could use a horse paste but give them very little.  Don't worry, nobody would sell me any and  I didn't feel good about doing that either.  I read about using bag balm on them. I tried that. Don't do it. What a mess.  Bag Balm is great stuff, But...  Slathering it on 3 guinea pigs is no fun for you or the little piggies. It has lanolin in it and it is wildly thick.  The little guys didn't like it and they moved very little while it was on them and they sure greased up the pen.  So I tried to wash it off of them.  More trauma.  Even using Dawn dishsoap did not degrease them all that much.  I am brainstorming how to fix this mess.  Cornstarch.  I powdered them up with cornstarch.  It is not toxic at all and it absorbed the oil.  They were a little powdery white and I just pet them a lot to work it in.  Then I left them alone.  They were greasy no more after a second powder session. There was a little improvement with the mite problem.  Most of the scaly stuff came off. Now with mites, they hatch again so I knew I wasn't done but I was not going to do bag balm again. 

When my girls had lice forever ago, we had no luck with all that toxic stuff to kill it.  The school nurse gave me a recipe to try with olive oil and several other oils. We got rid of them.  I also shared the recipe with several friends who went round and round with lice and after they used it, they were finally rid of them. So if olive oil can kill lice -- it is suppose to suffocate them -- it should work with mites that burrow under the skin.  So that is what I did next.  I oiled up the little guys with olive oil. I did NOT use any other essential oils on them. I don't know if they're safe for guinea pigs.  Olive oil is pretty much food. Besides, guinea pigs don't really lick themselves. I treated all 3.  DO NOT LEAVE THEM IN THE SUN if you try this.  I didn't do that don't worry.  I left the oil on them a couple of days. It was not nearly as bad as the bag balm. They were not as miserable with the olive oil either. Then after a couple days I put corn starch on them again. When their heads were still oily  after a couple days, I powdered them again.  Guess what?  No skin issues. Healthy hair all over their bodies now. Their mites are all gone. They did not have to suffer through another bath or have to have any nasty pesticide either. By the way, we don't use any cedar bedding. I'm sure that would have been a mess with it sticking all over them.  We have a C & C cage with washable fleece bedding.  The boys are pampered I tell you. 

The recipe for head lice (not guinea pig mites) was 1 cup Olive Oil, and a few drops of citronella oil, Tea Tree Oil and Cedarwood oil mixed together.  It really does work.  No pesticides and it also deep conditions hair if you have tried the other stuff first.

Edit- This blog post has had a lot of traffic. Since I've had several comments asking questions about the Olive Oil treatment, I figured I had better do a follow-up. The guinea pigs are 2 years old now. We have had NO MITES since my Olive Oil treatment. Using ONLY Olive Oil worked. Covering them in cornstarch afterwards gets rid of all the oil in their fur and skin. I'm sure it helps that we don't keep them in a cage with any bedding material in it but fleece. We wash their bedding in hot water as well. You could keep the guinea pigs in a laundry basket with old towels in it while you leave them covered in oil for a couple of days. The longer you leave it on, the better. Then you can wash the towels in hot water afterwards to get rid of any possible mites if there are any there. We left the boys in their cage and just changed the fleece bedding daily and did a thorough wipe down of the plastic. That was it. We are mite free. My guinea pigs do spend time in the grass outdoors quite often and we still have had no issues.

I hope this works for you as well as it worked for my 3 guinea pigs.

Best Summer EVER!!

It has been a long time since I have blogged. Life just keeps rolling along.  Lexie came and went. That was very interesting, very hard and not something I think I will do again for some time.  But I can say she learned some things while she was here that put her in a better place.  But I am not sure if it was enough.  But I am not in a place where I can be the one to make the difference.

School ended, summer happened.  I think it has been the best summer we have had in a long time.  Don't get me wrong, last summer's wedding was a huge event but I was a wreck over it.  This summer we worked on unloading the garage by having some yard sales. Instead of a season pass at the local pools we got one of our own above ground models.  I am finally getting some time in it.

There are times you realize that time with the people you care about most has to come before everything else.  I am really glad I was able to do what we did next:

The big event of summer was going to Texas to see my sister.  My sister had a baby girl 16 months ago and she had a health issue that reminded me how much I really REALLY love my sister and how much I really needed to see her.  We made it an epic journey.  I love to plan these trips even when I am fretting over the car and all the other details and insecurities travelling involves. This one I planned the best yet.  The car did not break down.  There were no animals left for dead on the side of the road and the weather cooperated on everything we did.

Here is the travelogue and my reviews and tips for travelling.  ;)

I was concerned we might not get out of town.  The two days before my departure the freeway was closed twice due to fires.  The morning we left there was thick smoky haze that covered town.  I had been worried about hitting fires because of the past few summers had big fires in New Mexico and Arizona.  This time it is all here.  So we only saw one fire on our journey that we actually see start from lighting in Utah. 

Why was the trip to Texas epic?  Well we did go straight there.  We went to Flagstaff first.  The drive there was beautiful.  I have never been that way before.  We drove through some mountains that just rolled along in southern Utah.  Then we got to Kanab which was fantastic with its deep red rocks.  Reminded me of scenes from Cars.  All of the drive from Kanab to Flagstaff when it was daylight reminded me of Cars. 

 We stayed in Flagstaff and the Travelodge we stayed at was long the origional Route 66.  More Cars reminders. Our stay in Flagstaff was so we could spend a day at the Grand Canyon! 

We had a good laugh from the start. When we drove into the park we saw that some town in the area was going to hit 107.  I wanted to know where that place was.  Kylee was looking at the map and said it was by the Colorado creek.  She saw the word creek and put them together by accident.  So we joked about the creek down in the canyon.   When you get there to see the canyon for the first time the canyon does not look real. Especially when it is a little hazy.  It looks like a faded backdrop.  I teased the girls that we just needed a 10 foot pole to touch the canvas. A good part of our day was looking at the view in a haze from the right side and then over by the left we got a little different view because it was so vast. 
There are shuttle buses that run you to the overlooks and around the main area of the park.  We were waiting for the one to take us down all the other views.  But the line was huge.  I decided we needed ot hike the trail a ways.  It proved to be a great choice.  We had a nice walk.  The temperature was perfect. There was a thunderstorm rolling in behind us but it never came across the canyon.  We kept walking.  Hannah's shoes were giving us trouble.  We only walked past to two of the overlooked and then decided we could wait for the bus.  We were still looking at the same view just further to the left.  We sat to wait for the next bus.  This English woman came and sat beside me.  She asked me if I thought the bus would come because the shuttles stopped taking people to the overlooks because of the thunderstorm.  I didn't know that.  But I did see a bus just leave before we got there so we waited and I had the best talk with the woman from England.  The bus came and the bus driver went through a long drawn out explanation about him having to pick up people to take them back to the main shuttle stop because of the storm but he couldn't make anyone stay on the bus.  Blah blah blah.  He explained it with every group that got on the bus.  He was a nice guy and I really enjoyed my visit with the English lady.  As soon as he explained the restictions with the third stop, they lifted the thunderstorm warning and he folded over the steering wheel.  It was quite humorous.  What that did for us was the bus was not crowded.  There was hardly anybody at each of the view stops.  I got some great pictures of a different view of the canyon and the haze was clearing out because of the storm.  It took us a but to get back to the car after that. 
The shuttle busses around Grand Canyon village to the parking lot were packed.  That was not as fun.  What I find intriguing is that there are more people at these national parks from other countries than there are from ours.  I don't know how many different languages I heard that day but there was a lot. 
We got in the car and drove down the other side of the canyon.  I really wanted to go to one of the overlooks that has a big tower.  I remember going there when Amber and Kelsea were really small.  That spot was breathtaking.  Another storm rolled in.  It was getting later in the day.  Lightning was very present with this one. In fact some struck wildly close to where I was standing outside.  I stayed inside the giftshops until it passed.  We were able to climb the tower.  The pictures were ever changing.  It was the best view of the canyon even if there was no storm. 
We moved on from there.  When we travel I always have to get a magnet of where we have been and I let the girls get postcards we put there postcards in mini album so they can share where they have been on our trips.  The day was perfect, the elk were near the road as we left the park.  We had not seen any until then so it was as if they were telling us goodbye. What really baffles me was that it was completely dark there at 8 o'clock.  As we drove home from the park it felt like 11 o'clock when it was not even 9. 
The next day we moved on.  We stopped in Albuquerque at my cousins cupcake shop.  That was a fun treat.  I haven't seen her in 6 years and she has never met any of my kids.  Then we went to Clovis NM and stayed with my Aunt Vickie and Uncle Randy.  They have never met my girls either.  We enjoyed our stay with her.  We stayed on Sat and got to see Brave for the second time.  Oh, and with ipods we love to listen to music.  One of my favorites is movie soundtracks.  I surprised the girls with the Brave and Tangled soundtrack.  The Brave songs were our theme music on this journey. 
We left on Sunday.  We drove through Roswell. Funniest little town.  Aliens were everywhere.  If we had not been there so early in the morning we would have stopped at the UFO museum there.  But the drive through town was quite the novelty. 
We went to Carlsbad Caverns after that.  The caverns are really cool.  They are so big and it is hard to comprehend how big the cavern is. It is kind of an illusion.  It is hard to describe.  Even my pictures make it look like a small place.  I would hate to be in there if the power ever went out.  Autumn actually had a bit of an anxiety attack while we were in there.  It was such a fascinating place to visit. 
After we left there we made our way to San Antonio.  We were able to meet up with my sister and her family at the motel they were staying at.   That was the best then getting together to go to Sea World together the next day. 
We love Sea World.  But we do not love Texas humidity.  It was a struggle.  All the shows are shaded there.  But they were still hot.  We toughed it out and made it to last Shamu show of the day. Melissa left early but she has a toddler and the poor baby just had a very full day.  There were a few things that I would actually contact them about that could be better.  Like our lunch was very expensive and the food was not good at all.  Several of the soda flavors were out of syrup.  The outdoor soda fountains were covered in yellow jackets when I tried to refill my soda.  I was stung under my eye once and had to visit the ER the next day- they are not my friend. In the end, the San Diego Sea World will remain my favorite.   But we love getting a chance to go.

I made it to my sister's finally.  We got to rest finally for a day.  The next day we started our Houston adventure.  I bought the Houston City Pass. If you ever travel to a major city, see if they have a city pass.  They are seriously worth it.  They are a great discount and you get other little benefits when you use those tickets.  I really wanted to go to NASA.  When I looked it up it mentioned the city pass. The pass was maybe 15 dollars more than the admission to NASA.  You get to go to so many places with it.  Our first day we spent at the zoo.  We melted there.  We got to the point we decided we were done and we were suddenly about as done looking at animals as they were looking at us.  We typically love the zoo.  Houston has a great zoo. 
The Museum of Natural Science was nearby so went there.  Air conditioning is so lovely!  Down there we went from melting to freezing.  Humidity sure messes with you.  We watched a show in the planetarium and then we went to see the dinosaur exhibit and fossils.  The girls all loved it.  Melissa and I really enjoyed it to.  I thought it was open later.  I was confused as to which day of the week it was.  The museum closed earlier than I expected.  The rest of the museum was seen on speed view.  In 30 minutes we saw the rock and jewel exhibit (there was a lot of cool stuff to see) the stuffed dead animal exhibit and whatever was left.  We did pretty good.  We were going to back track through one room we had not seen and then all the security guards were walking towards us.  It was a huge crew of them.  We about faced and quickly made our exit.  That was a hit!  Too bad it was cut short due to my day of the week confusion.
We went to The Aquarium next.  That was a disppointment.  There was neat stuff to see but the building was 3 stories tall.  The aquarium part was only on a section of the first.  I think they want you to eat at one of their many restaurants.  Needless to say it was not worth the purchase of a magnet.  But it was part of the City pass so it was another thing to do.  We were glad we did not plan on more time there. 
One more day of rest before we went to NASA.
NASA's Johnson Space Center was a fun place to visit.  I think I anticipated it to be bigger.  There we some shows we should have seen that we did not have time for.  But we took the tram to see the origional mission control and the Saturn V rocket.  They we road the tram again to see the astronaut training center.  That was my favorite place to visit.  The real working facility.  It is sad it is in transition from them retiring the Space Shuttle program but we saw some of the robots they are planning to send into space in the future.  Big hit!

Since NASA is on the freeway to Galveston we decided to go to the Rainforest Cafe.  We have never been to the Rainforest Cafe before and this one was fun.  The restaurant was a volcano with a waterfall coming down outside. We had to wait over an hour for our table.  The wait was fun. They were playing music outside.  Then there was a magician and a hula hoop contest. Kailyn and Hannah actually participated and they were both in the last 4.  Then they both lost their hoops at the same time.  It was fun inside as well with the animals that moved, they made noise and then the occasional "rainstorms".  When we were done and went outside to see the ocean, the volcano was on fire!  What a show.  What a blast!  It was the best day yet.
We had been missing Melissa's son Dylan this whole time.  It was Dylan's month to spend with his dad.  I talked to his dad and finally talked him into letting us have him for a few days.  So we got Dylan on Saturday but the major part of what we had planned to do was done.  He went swimming with the girls for a little bit.  I was really wanting to see the beach during daylight.  When we lived in Texas before we went once and managed to get some fantastic shells.  So I looked at the map.  I looked up the beaches on the internet.  We made a plan to go to the ocean the next day. It was something Dylan really wanted to do as well.  We packed up a cooler of food and went on our nearly 2 hour drive south to Bryan Beach.  We drove along the beach, backed up and the kids got to play in the ocean for a few hours.  I got great pictures.  Dylan and Kylee had a couple of brushes with jellyfish and yet they kept playing anyway. Melissa says she wants to plan a day trip there in the future.  She really enjoyed it and didn't know that it was so nice there. 
Our trip was nearing its end.  I had one more day.  My good friend from High School lives in Texas and I had contacted her through Facebook to let her know I was coming down.  We were finally going to get a chance to see each other on Monday.  And my grandfather and uncle were on the agenda too.  I caught up with my old friend and my grandfather met my 3 youngest.

But we aren't done yet!  We did leave Tuesday morning.  We stopped in San Antonio again.  We got to see the Alamo and crossed the street to see the Riverwalk.  I really liked that a lot. 
We drove to Clovis again.  That meant we went through quirky Roswell.  I stayed the night at my Aunt Vickie's again.  This visit was brief.  We went to Albuquerque.  We stayed the night with my cousin Jammie.  I had a great visit with her.  More cupcakes.  The last day was nearly the killer. 

We drove from Albuquerque to the 4 corners.  You know where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico and Utah meet.  I would have never thought to stop there but that was the only place the girls asked to go.  It is on an indian reservation.  It was interesting.  All around the center square there were long booths were the Indians sold their goods.  Lots of jewelry and other fun stuff.  Everyone stood in line to take their pictures in the center.  Then you can sit on benches in each state.  It was pretty hot.  Dry hot is so much better though than humid.  We ate lunch possibly on the border of Arizona and Utah.  Then when we were done we were in the long stretch for home.  I really wanted to get there.  I started at 7:30 that morning.  We got home at 1:45 in the morning.  I was so wound up that I did not go to bed until 3.  whew.  That was a long day, a fun filled trip and ridiculously long blog. 

But when it is all said and done, I love travelling this way.  I love looking at where you want to go, look on the map to see what is there and filling your trip up with as much as possible.  I love this country we live in.  I love how it changes when you are on the really long car trips.  I find it fun to see when you cross the border to a state sometimes everything changes dramatically.  That happens when you cross into Colorado.  You are only in it a short time on this journey but it so different than New Mexico.  It is green and the ground rolls as you go.  Then you head into Utah and you are in the giant read rocks. I love the time in the car with my kids.  They are really great travellers and they enjoy seeing the country they live in as much as I do.
 
Last week we put on Cars.  We saw so much of the land that the movie bases Radiator Springs on.  What was even better was we watched John Lasseter little documentary on how they travelled Route 66 to do research for the movie.  It meant so much more to us since we had just been there.  He tells how he bought an RV and travelled across the country with his family to do what his father did with him as a boy.  It is something special to take your kids on road trips across the country and see all that you can see as you go. I can't wait to go on our next one.  

I had the best time with my sister.  Melissa, I really miss you.  :(     

When you think you have it together....

Much has happened recently.  We have my niece Alexis living with us right now.  She has been struggling at home for some time and we are her second chance.  She came last week which was the beginning of our Spring Break.  She was probably the most eventful thing that happened during Spring Break because it rained and there was not much we could do.  We watched the Alvin and the Chipmunks Chipwrecked at the cheap theater.  The girls really liked it.  We shopped a little and we splurged going to see Mirror Mirror and we really liked it. 
This is week is when the challenge began.  I was worried I was not going to get her in Hannah's school.  It is complicated situation.  Alexis met with the principal.  He grilled her about what kind of trouble she had been in that brought her here.  I was impressed with how he approached it.  But his big problem was there was one spot and we do not live in the school boundaries.  I waited all day for his decision.  He came back and told me he couldn't take her because of that one spot but he said he was willing to take her with her troubled past though.  I was concerned about trying to take her to another school that is the opposite direction of where Hannah goes. I also don't have relationships with anyone there.  We found a loophole situation that could put her back at Valley View.  I called the principal and asked him if that was an option to use.  I didn't want to if her didn't want to go there. He didn't think we could.  So I was pretty discouraged trying to figure out how it would work.  But later that day I got a call from him.  He talked to the big guy above him and ran by what the situation was and got the OK for us to go to Hannah's school.  I couldn't have been happier. 
So she started on Tuesday.  It is a big adjustment from coming from a new state and went from a middle school to an elementary school.  Before the middle of the day had passed I got a call letting me know what all the excitement was.  The news was not good.  She had told the kids that was on probation and that she was older than she was  and just a bunch of other stuff.  Then I told her what I knew at the end of the day and that rattled her a little.  The fact that I am so well known by everyone there was another thing in my favor.  So our focus is on positive change.  And all things positive. 
The good news was she felt her first day went well.  She had a lot to talk about.  I knew all the kids she talked about.  She was excited to go back today.  I let her know I was coming to check on her to make sure she was making good choices and not spouting off unnecessary bits of information. So it was good to see she had made friends and was happy.  She rode the bus home with Hannah and day two was much better than day one. 
Then that is where I am reminded of something.  But I trying to figure out what I am being reminded of.  I get a call from Kelsea.  She has a flat at work.  I go to help her.  My air compressor stops working.  Wal-mart is not far.  I need a new one.  I notice Wal-mart has a tire place.  We pump up her tire and find out there is a huge gash in the side from her hitting a curb sometime ago and air is coming out fast.  So we get the car to Wal-mart and we wait an hour.  I had a great visit with Kelsea.  I come home to my ten year old hiding in the bathroom.  She is telling us that she was going to live in the bathroom from now on because her sisters are so mean.  So I have to patch that up.  I do make dinner but realize I needed some things from the store. I was just at Wal-mart FOR AN HOUR. So I went to the store again this evening.  I don't know.  I could get so frustrated (more so because I am so tired from driving kids at 6am and then the day went on and on.)  Or I can find humor in it. But I think right now I can just accept this is how it always is.  The spouse is gone, Kelsea's car will self-destruct.  The kids will be kids.  There are so many things to keep track of and there are many days when very little gets done.  Oh well......

Hannah's program

Hannah was Clamity Jane in the 4th grade program.  I am seriously proud of her.  She got a little accent going, used a lasso, and sang in a way I had never heard her sing before.  I loved that Kelsea went to see her at the dress rehearsal and was texting me because she was so proud of her little sister.  But I remember when Amber was in 4th grade she had a big lead part in that program and Kylee did too in the 4th grade so she is carrying on.  The other thing about this is Hannah was 2nd choice to play this part.  The other little girl had to perform for St patrick's day with her Irish dance group.  Everyone said how great she was.  I watched it a couple of weeks later and am still blown away. 

Double Trouble

Don't let these little innocents fool you.  I am only talking about the dogs.  Hannah is a pretty good kid.  But those little stinkers discovered how to take off out the front door and take little unsupervised journeys.  It happened 2 in one week and I was not home.  I came home the first time though and wondered why I was not greeted by two happy jumping balls of barking fun.  There had been 5 people in the house and no one knew what happened to the dogs.  That has been my worst fear.  Busy street, lots of directions to run, busy street.  They must not have been gone long.  They were past the church.  Dobby got in the car.  Yoda was not so easy to catch.  We brought them home and then Dobby got sick within an hour of coming home.  It scared us.  Antifreeze is toxic for dogs and he got sick and very distressed really fast.  I took him to the vet.  He threw up full leaves and bark.  They did x-rays and saw sand in his stomach it might have been on something still in his stomach we couldn't see.  They gave him sub-q fluids.  Second time in his life he has had to have fluid under his skin.  We brought him home.  He had a terrible night and couldn't settle down.  So I had a terrible night.  I tried to sleep on the couch. Blech. The next day he still was feeling pretty rough.  We took him back to the vet and then we decided we would wait it out a little longer.  He did get better. 
Then I left a few days later.  Then through Autumn's Facebook she posted that they got out again.  I wasn't home for any of it that time.  No sick dog that time. 
I need to train them up some more.  We will get there.
I only let the dogs in bed with me in the mornings.  Yoda has taken to snuggling.  I mean really snuggling right up against my back so he sticks his nose in my hair.  It is cute until the dog starts sleeping hard and sounds like he is snoring.  That is our doggie update.  

Moon

I know my last blog was long and there were no pictures.  This is what I came home to today.  The moon was just barely peeking over the mountain when we were coming down our street.  I ran to get the camera.  Moonrise.

 I knelt in the bike lane in front of my house to take this picture.  A car coming down the street almost slowed down to a stop.  I guess I looked like I was about to leap sideways into the street at any moment.

                           This is as much of a closeup I can get with my really nice camera.

This is with my old camera.  Its best feature is its zoom.  It is just a Panasonic Lumix. 

Later when it was dark, the moon was still fantastic looking with a haze that glowed around it.  I was ohhing and ahhing all the time while I drove the girls to the church for Young Women's and I wished I had my camera and then I had a real dork experience.  I did not turn on my headlights as I drove past the 13 houses on the way to the church.  But I will justify that by saying that I was driving by moonlight and didn't need it.  Believe me?

Out of it.....

Needless to say I am letting time run its course and have not blogged mainly because it would have been a grumpy-fest.
January was awful, February I felt awful and March we are hoping for a turn around.
Never has one of Lee Joe's paycheck from an employer bounced.  That is what happened in January.  I was not a really big check but it was stressful and totally unexpected-usually bounced checks are unexpected aren't they?  Things could have been much worse, thankfully I had extra money even though Lee Joe had been on unemployment already for a couple weeks before that happened.  We immediately filed our taxes.  During this time my washer was broken and I was going to the laundrymat to wash clothes.  Lee Joe was still in Washington.  He still worked for those clowns a little longer before he finally came home.  It took another week before they had money for that check and we did not see the other two checks they owed him until later in Feb.  The tax return saved us, got us a new washer, repaired the old one and sold it on Craigslist-I do not like front loader washers.  Good news spot--I have a lovely new LG top loader.  So far I like it a lot. 
Lee Joe has been home for quite a stretch.  The Washington mess really was the final thing to put him in full fledged burn out.  When he was in North Dakota he worked many 80-90 weeks.  That is out in the heat or the cold, shoveling or bouncing around in a truck. The good part of having him home beside the fact he is home-he helped with all the driving.  I was completely burned out from that.  Early morning seminary carpool every other week and every Thursday.  Kylee and another friend carpool together on 2 days a week to jazz band. When we drive we take all the girls to seminary then hang around for about 15 minutes then get the boy and pick Kylee back up and drop her off at school.  Then Hannah to school-her schedule shifts 2 days a week on choir days.  That is just the am driving.  Kylee finished basketball, Autumn started basketball, Hannah started Y-basketball.  Hannah is in Honor choir this year.  I realized at the concert she had on Saturday that for about 11 years we have attended that concert.  There have only been maybe 2 years where we did not have one of the girls in at least one of the honor groups. Hannah is the last.  We may get to attend that concert for another 4 depending on if she does honor band in jr high.   Lee Joe was just as tired during the day as I have been after all the chasing.  It is not much longer.  Kylee has her permit.  She is getting close to being able to get her license. 
But my 2 jr high girls are starting to concern me.  Somehow things ran better when there were all 5 girls.  My example of what happened in the past 24 hours-- I tell the two jr high girls to take the trash OUT.  So trash day is Tuesday.  I hear one go out the back and come in the front.  Later the 2nd goes out and comes back in.  I get in the car at 8am and no cans are on the curb.  ??????  Totally missed the trash pick-up today. I find out Kylee took the recycling can out.  Autumn went out and brought it back in the backyard.  Somehow she did not get that taking it out meant out of the yard.  In her mind it meant out of the street.  Discussions were had about how we "Take it out the road."  When it is empty we "bring it back in."  I hate to say this but Yes, that child is blonde.  All logic went out the window.  There has been a lot of that going on.  But we have discovered that THAT child is doing exceptionally well in math.  She is getting the highest scores on many of her math tests and has a 99 percent in that class. 
Kylee is doing well.  The poor kid comes home almost any day after Monday and falls asleep somewhere.  She was told the high school band teacher has his eye on her for jazz band next year.  She is excited and so am I.  It is an audition group and they really are fantastic.  She is doing well in school and is taking one of her classes online.  Speech is online.  Funny huh?  She had to do a demonstration speech this weekend.  She decided to make bread.  We got everything recorded-she did a great job by the way-then we had to make it into a video.  We are not the techy type here.  Except 10 year old Hannah just got done making a video trailer in her class on a book she read.  So she had  experience with Movie Maker.  What I thought was going to take a long time to edit, only took them an hour and they made a really nice video.  We had to download it to youtube so her teacher could view it. Downloading to Youtube takes forever though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAVPVyuZiOU&feature=youtu.be

Hannah is starting to get busy the way her sisters have always been.  She has been on hold because they have taken so much time.  But what is unfortunate is she tends to have lots of homework most of the time. It is frustrating.  She gets so tired and many times she is up so late trying to get her work done.  Her teacher is really hard on the kids.  Hannah is very forgetful and when she has left something at school or at home she gets so stressed out.  She lost her pencil pouch on the way home the other day.  Her homework was on her jumpdrive in her pencil pouch.  My jr high girls have not needed a jumpdrive yet. Anyways, that meant she couldn't do anything about her homework.  So I told her to e-mail her teacher to see if she could come in early so she could get it done and that is what she did.  Her pencil pouch was found with everything in it, in the bottom of the lost and found at school.  But Hannah has taught her sisters how to use power point with animations, she taught Kylee Movie Maker, she can type better than her sisters and her teacher says she is the Smart board whiz in the class and she has been put in charge to teach the subs how to use them when her teacher is gone.  Hannah and her sister did figure out the password to access my laptop.  Little turkeys.
February was rough for me.  The inflammation I had been battling off and on came and hit me hard.  I did not sub all month and have been researching all sorts of methods to help myself.  I am trying several things and as of this week it is the first time I think something is getting better.  I have also had less migraines in the past two months.  I did have a 3 day migraine last week but I had not done that in over two months even with all the crazy stress.  The only prescription drugs I have taken in months is my migraine meds. I have had very few of those.   So I will report my findings when I am convinced what I am doing is working.  But there is improvement.
To wrap up, Kelsea is working at Tucanos and the school district and is taking most of her college courses online this semester.  She is home, things are mellow.  She is doing very well.
Amber is 21 now.  She is still very happily married.  We see them more often now.  We are still getting to know Ryan and he still fits in with us quite well.  We had Amber and Ryan and Kelsea and her boyfriend all here for dinner a few weeks ago.  We enjoyed it alot.  They enjoyed it because I have been making homemade bread and that was a huge hit that night.  You know that Kitchenaid mixer I got?  It is getting lots of love. 
All the animals are happy just in case you were wondering.
All month long Lee Joe has watched a BBC show called Top Gear.  Three british guys talking about cars, test driving cars and doing other very silly things with cars.  We have all watched it and have laughed pretty hard watching it.  The problem is Netflix has 15 SEASONS of the show on it.  Oh wait, there is 14 because the first season is missing.  That is a lot of shows.  Lee Joe pulled himself away from the tv and left for North Dakota yesterday.  And that explains why I am prattling on so late in the night with so much to say.  I don't have anyone to talk to when I go to bed.  sniff....I am fine really, just making excuses for this endless blog. Now I am done, and I can rest now knowing I have contributed to the reading pleasure of my 4 loyal readers of my blog.  ; )

My special Grandma and Grandpa

These are the charms my grandma wore on her wrist with profiles of her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  My grandma passes away in December.  My Aunt Kathy found my charm and the 3 of my girls that she had charms for.  The gold one has my name on it and on the back is my birthday.  The other 3 are Amber Kelsea and Kylee's.  She had 6 kids there were lots of grandkids and even more great grandkids since she lived over 90 years.  Aunt Kathy sent the charms to my mom (this grandma was my dad's mom) and my mom gave the charms to Kelsea and this is what she made me.  I don't think I even have expressed completely how much this means to me.  I wrote what is written below on the day she died not knowing I would recieve this for Christmas.  I am not rereading what is below because I don't want to cry tonight.  I hope it makes sense and expresses just how much my Grandma June and Grandpa Hub meant to me.  The charms and this bracelet made for me by my daughter are probably the greatest treasure I own.



Today is the day my grandma died. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that it took me by surprise. I wish that I had more time with her. I am upset when I think about the circumstances that changed my life so dramatically and took me from having her as an active part of my life. It took until I was an adult to learn what an amazing person she was.


I spent a lot of time at Grandpa and Grandma’s house in Connecticut until I was four and then my mom and dad split up and we moved to Denver. And that was the last time I would see my dad and many of my Connecticut family for almost 30 years.

But Grandpa and Grandma came to see us. They came when I was in second grade with my aunt Amy. I always heard from them on my birthday and at Christmas. Time was passing and contact with my dad was sporadic but I never did see him. Then I graduated from high school, got married and I heard from him less.

Then when I lived in Texas with my husband and young daughter we got a call that grandpa and grandma were going to visit. I couldn’t believe they were coming all that way just to see us. They came and visited and admired me and my family. Grandma didn’t just walk into the room. I swear she glided like a swan. She moved beautifully whenever she moved. I had never seen anything like that in my life. Grandma was a ballet dancer. She wore this beautiful bracelet that tinkled and jingled whenever she walked. When she showed me the beautiful bracelet on her wrist while she extended her graceful hand, I was not prepared for what it really was. It was profiles of boys and girls faces. She showed me there were names on them. Those names were her grandchildren. She told me I was on one and it had my birthday on it as well. I found my charm and my sister’s. I felt love wash over me. They shared with me more things. There was a photo album of their 50th wedding anniversary party. She shared with me the names of my aunts and their husbands and my cousins. There were so many people, I was overwhelmed. There were pictures with my dad and his wife and boys as well. But what was the most significant to me was the picture of the quilt. On it at the top was my dad's name,  below that was my name and below that my sister’s and below that my brothers names, who I had never met, all underneath my dad’s name. I don’t know what I thought happened. I guess in my mind I thought I left and didn’t belong to them any more. But with this visit all of a sudden I saw a door was opened. One I thought would be never open to me. It was the door that belonged to my dad’s family, MY family. After nearly 20 years at that time, I had never been forgotten. It meant the world to me.

Then they told me the story of the candy jars. One day before we left Connecticut, I had to have been four. They had candy jars that were lined up by the stairs down to the cellar. I had taken a carpet bag and put all the lids to the candy jars in that carpet bag. Then I had left. They never took those lids out of the bag and put them on the candy jars after all these years. They were waiting for me to come back and put the lids back on the candy jars. All I could see were these candy jars without their lids for years collecting dust waiting for my return before they could be complete again.

For years after that all I could think about was going back so I could put those lids on those candy jars. We lived in Texas a few more years. I had another daughter. Then we moved to Idaho and had more daughters. We were a young family with old cars and challenging circumstances and Connecticut was far away and expensive to try and visit. My grandparents came to visit us again in Idaho. I had to ask if the candy jars were still waiting for me. They told me yes, the candy jars were still waiting for me.

Time passed some more. Grief over my father’s absence in my life intensified as I watched all my daughters build relationships with their own father. My grandparents had explained his quiet introverted nature to me. I tried to find perspective but really, even with all the effort I put into making my family and myself real to him, nothing seem to work. I agonized more and more. The candy jars haunted me. Then news that my Grandfather was suffering from Dementia came. I knew time was getting short and I desired to get there more and more. I decided during the summer of 2003 that I would go. We were waiting for some financial situations to work out. But the decision was getting drawn out further and further and time was getting short. I needed a better vehicle as well so the push came, we bought a van and a few days later I was on the road in a car I wasn’t familiar with yet. I was on the road by myself with my 5 daughters that were 12 years old to 18 months. I was scared to travel alone but I was even more scared to death that my dad would not want me there. I consoled myself that Grandma and Grandpa and all the family would be worth the visit. They had done such a great job keeping in touch with me when he hadn’t.

I got there and grandma was so loving to me. Grandpa had just been put in a home because his alzheimers got really severe. She was in agony over his absence. I came and spent hours talking with her when everyone was gone. I filled the void for her as she tried to adjust to life without his presence. I was trying to cope with the reunion with my dad, trying to understand the conflict he was dealing with and with my flooding emotions of abandonment. I slept in the bedroom that had once been his and laid in bed thinking how wonderful it was now that I could say I had spent the day with my dad. Something so simple that everyone else took for granted was now a part of my life. “I visited with my dad today.” That comment was mine now. My dad hugged me today, yeah, I could say that too. But what was the most poignant, as I cried over the years of grief with my grandma, was that she understood better than anyone. Yes my dad was still alive but I still suffered from his absence in my life and didn’t fully understand if I meant anything to him anymore. She understood me because she lost her mother to hepatitis when she was very young and not long after that her father was murdered so she was abandoned by tragic life circumstances and was raised by her aunt. She knew the pain I felt and the ache I had in my heart for the parent that wasn’t there. Even though I cried and cried, healing was starting to begin. During that trip the visit with my dad was strained. I believe he thought I would come and give him grief over his absence. He tried to explain things to me. I just wanted to build something where there was nothing and not place blame on anyone. But I started to understand, I started to see him, I saw the past, everyone in the family had suffered by my family’s departure. Grandma told me in all the years she had been with my grandpa, she had never seen him cry except for the day that we left. She told me he absolutely adored me. When I looked through her albums and picture frames, She had every picture I ever sent her.

We visited grandpa in the home and grandma told him I was there to visit him. When he answered her I could tell he was remembering the Kim that had been the little girl that put the lids of the candy jars in the carpet bag at 4. He was suffering from his dementia too much to be able to see me, the grown up Kim with 5 daughters to share with him. Back at the house, I never said a word when I was there, but I went to find the candy jars that lined the stairs to the cellar. They weren’t there. I had learned that Grandpa in one of his Alzhiemer’s rages had torn apart the cellar. The family had to put it back together. The candy jars had been moved. I did find them. In a box, on a shelf. But they all had the lids on them. I looked around some more and found the carpet bag somewhere else in the cellar. Of course it was empty. I had waited too long. It was too late.

When I came home back to Idaho, it took me a long time to overcome the mountain of information, the grief, and figure out how everything fit together all over again. Nothing was as I had seen it in my mind. What took place there was wonderful with all the relationships I built with everyone that was my family. I had never cried so much in my life. Everyone shared their story with me about the part they knew before we moved away. And everyone of them was just as broken hearted as my grandparents were when we left. Along with this new perspective came a new kind of grief. Along with this grief came a few more years of my father’s silence. It felt like after all that, nothing had really changed.

A couple years ago, grandpa finally passed away. I was in great turmoil on whether or not I should go to the funeral. My husband insisted. The weather was bad and we almost didn’t make it. We did, but our baggage did not. I was so stressed about everything, the nightmare delays, lost luggage and downpouring rain from Boston, to Providence to little Groton Connecticut. Then the crazy worry I put myself through whether or not I was welcome. We showed up at the funeral home. My aunt never told my dad I was coming but I didn’t know this. So when my brother saw me he ran to get my dad. They were excited to see me. My grandmother embraced me and I was so loved and welcome there again. I was overwhelmed. Grandma struggled with her grief but she did it with her beautiful graceful way. My heart ached for her as she ached for her husband. I stayed for the funeral and had another day to visit. This visit though was a true reunion. My dad kept me at his house even though my aunt amy was eager to have me if he wouldn’t. But there was no hesitation on his part that we would stay with him. My dad talked and talked to us. He talked about many things with his job he just retired from and other random things. We went to dinner at the Olive Garden which is his and my favorite restaurant. He has done photography for years.  Mostly nature scenes.  He shared his pictures with me and said I could have as many as I wanted. As I was there and my visit was coming to an end I realized something. My grandpa wasn’t able to bring us together in his lifetime but he was able to do it with his death. I saw that my grandpa finally brought us together. That visit was much better than the one before. And on the plane home I cried because I could still hear my dad’s voice in my head. That had never happened to me before and it was a moment I had wished I could capture and keep forever.

This is Amber, Kelsea and baby Kylee.  Grandma and Grandpa came to visit us in Idaho.

So now my beautiful dancing grandma has passed away. She is finally with her beloved husband. I never did have enough time with her. The days I have spent with her in my life since I was four probably do not even fill up a calendar month. But the time I have had with her was packed with meaning and mending. Because of her tender heart and efforts on my behalf, I have healed my own heart. I have a relationship with my father. It’s still kind of the same but I have perspective and peace with what it is. It is not perfect and it’s not a happy ending but I am happy with what I do have. Grandma is the best example of how to live with passion in your life. She loved to dance. I never have seen her dance. But when she walked across the room it was like she was dancing. She is also a powerful force, an incredible example showing how to move forward in life after great adversity. How my heart aches now, her funeral is almost 3000 miles away and I won’t be able to be there. But I love her and how I would love to see her remembered by those she treasured. She was my link to the other half of me when my father wasn’t there. But she did wait to leave this earth until that part of her family had mended. Everything she has sent me, and that she has written to me is my treasure. I know that she will always be with me. For the rest of my life all ballerinas I see are visions of her.

Puppy Love

I know I have posted about these pups before but I really do love these dogs.  I didn't think I was dog person or only the kind of dog person that could love Spot a bunch and that was all there was.  But these boys are cute and very loving and follow me around the house wherever I go and scratch at my door when I shut them out.  The boys are will not be men dogs ever again.  I was nervous dropping them off because you sign a form saying you realize that they may have issues with anesthesia and you won't know until it is too late.  But they were fine.  Dobby loves his toys.  In particular he likes these really loud squeaker balls and will relentlessly search for them if they are lost.  He has to pick a toy up before you take him out of his pen in the morning.  (We have tried sleeping with them but they are pretty bad sleepers with people)  We were surprised to find out Yoda weighs a whopping 11 pounds.  He is shorter than Dobby and Dobby is just under nine pounds.  Yoda can now push Dobby around.  It took until just a few weeks ago before Yoda could jump up on the couch. 

The love to shred paper towels and toilet papet and tissues.  They usually are pretty good about just chewing on their toys but Saturday they got an ink pen.  I came home to a bunch of ink on my carpet in my family room and on my new recliner.  I was frustrated to put it kindly.  I read to use alcohol.  It was instantly coming up but it was hard not to spread it around.  After an hour and half of dealing with the spots that night I had to stop.  I shampooed the carpet the next day and this is what was left on the carpet. 

The recliner has two blue dots just smaller than a dime and another few spots but I guess I can live with that.

The puppies are still keepers.  I still talk so silly to them and let them hang out with me when I home all day. I call them Yodel, bubba or Dobbers and would not want to be without the silly little pups even if they bark too much.

Aren't they cute?  They aren't real impressed. 

In case you haven't heard about Spot.  For one, she really needs a hair cut.  She is a 13 year old Japanese Chin Poodle mix-Japanoodle or Chin a poo.  My mom had a Japanese Chin that was a pup from my grandparents Chins and she had poodle.  On New Years Eve Spot was born just a half an hour before 12 but we always forget to tell her happy birthday.  Good thing she doesn't care.  She is going blind right now, even when she doesn't have hair hanging in her face.  It's sad because I was there when she was born and I do think she has been a wonderful dog.

Since this is about my pets, this is Sox or Socks.  I never really decided how I wanted to spell her name so it is often spelled both ways.  She was born in our house on April fools day about 9 years ago.  Her mother got mastitis and I had to hand feed her and her 4 other siblings.  Spot helped with them as well as mothered them and tending them the way their mother couldn't when she was sick.  So I am super attached to her too.  She use to like to lay near my feet and touch me with her paw just so she had some sort of contact. She is bigger than the dogs and we think she totally looks like a Maine Coon Cat.

I am done with my pet post.  I couldn't imagine living without them.  I would have no excuse for talking to myself when I am home alone.